


Libera me

by orphan_account



Category: Lewis (TV)
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Religious Conflict, Religious Guilt, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-15 01:40:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18488674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: James goes to Confession, because God has decided to put him through trial and burdened him with dark desires no man should have...Robbie is only mentioned in this, and James is far more strict in his beliefs than he is in canon (although, who knows what he is really thinking?)Contains spoilers for the episode "Life Born of Fire".





	Libera me

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is not BR and probably messy, but I read an article about sexual abuse in the Catholic Church and had to write something angry about it. Now this is more dark and you have to imagine the criticism, because it is only presented implicitly, but it is there.
> 
> Enjoy?

„Forgive me, Father, for I am a sinner. It has been nine months till I last confessed.“

James sat on the very edge of the hard wooden bench inside of the confessional. His hands gripped the soft fabric of his suit’s trousers, but the rest of him was calmer than it had been in weeks, months. He had been nervous about going to confession again. About confessing his deepest secrets.  
But the moment James had stepped into the dimly lit coolness of the stone vaults and had breathed in the unique mixture of scents he loved so much —damp walls, melting beeswax, the rich perfume of incense— he had known that it was the right decision to come here. This was, after all, his home; this heavy wooden portal was the only thing that protected him from the cruel world waiting outside.

„Why has it been so long since you last went to confession, my son?“

The priest’s clear voice drew James back into the presence; it was not Father Paul, his usual confessor, because he wanted to have real anonymity for just this once. He knew that he would never be able look old Father Paul into the eyes again if he told him what he was about to tell this unknown priest who was now waiting in silence for James’s response.  
Why had it been so long? Nine Months… nine months since he had received the Communion. There had been a time in his life when he’d thought he couldn’t last a week without it, a time where he had spent endless nights, sleepless, in prayer, because he had missed the Mass and was afraid to fall asleep without the Lord’s protection.

Protection from his dreams.

Protection from himself, from the temptation that was growing deep inside him. Planted by God or by the Devil, James would never know. Only that he had to fight it. And for that he had needed the Communion. The Confession. He had needed the hours of monotonous prayer, Ave Maria, Pater noster, mea culpa, mea culpa, _mea culpa…_

The temptation was still there, it wasn’t gone. If it had changed at all in the bygone years, it had increased. But James had changed as well, and he understood now that prayers and confessions and psalms would not eliminate the taint which clung to him like filth.

Filth. Maybe this was what had kept him from coming; he felt dirty, flawed.  
He knew he shouldn’t, he knew what this feelings had done to Will and he still remembered all the reasons why he had left the seminary.  
But leaving the seminary had not meant leaving the Church, it had not meant leaving God. You couldn’t just forget everything that you believed in for so long, you couldn’t make the guilt go away.

So James still believed in God, and he still believed that what he was was wrong.

And now he had come to confess his sins.

****

  
„I didn’t feel prepared for it, Father“ he almost whispered through the wooden partition which separated their faces. „I felt… unworthy.“

„But it is the purpose of the confession to prepare you for the Holy Service, son, to purify your soul of the burden of our sinful existence. And our existence is sinful, there is not one among our Lord’s people who hasn’t burdened fault upon himself, believe me.“

„ _He who is without sin, let him cast the first stone.“_

„Yes“ the priest answered, sounding mildly surprised. James was sure that he had not been expecting a man like him quoting. „So, do you want to confess now, or not? I would understand if you did not want to, but I am convinced it would unburden your conscience.“

Unburden his conscience. That was what he had come for, wasn’t it? To relieve his busy working mind, to help him focus, help him rest.  
James was so tired.  
So he decided that he would do it. Hadn’t the crusaders been exonerated from their blame? Murderers, rapists, slaughterers… they all had received the Communion afterwards, none of them had been denied the blessings. How should his desires be worse than killing an innocent?

„I…“ He stopped, his voice trembling. It was funny how his ever present eloquence should fail him now, when he for once really was in need of the right words.

„Take heart, my son, you know that there is only HIM to judge you, and I am sure our good Lord doesn’t want to lose a man as fine as you are.“  
That hit James’s nerve. „But I am not a fine man, Father! You see, I’m not even a proper man!  
I… I have desires, Father, I yearn for things no man, no Christian should even think of.“ He was sputtering now, the words he had repeated in his mind so many times finally falling from his dry lips, liberating themselves from the dark gaol in the depths of his mind he had kept them in.  
James’s body was slightly shaking now, its former composure lost.

The confessor in the other half of the adorned confessional kept silent, waiting for the young parishioner to gather his wits again.  
After a minute or more, James spoke again, quiet now.  
„God has decided to put me through a severe test, Father. I know that it is meant to be a trial and I have always tried to act upon it as I should. I have prayed, Father, I have prayed to Holy Mary, the sweetest of women, to give me her love so I could love her sisters back. I’ve begged God to take the sin off me, I’ve fought it and I have punished myself.“ He could hear the priest gasping faintly, and he winced at the thought of those nights not all too long ago that had brought him only short, sweet relief but had left him scarred forever.  
„Ironically, when I left the seminary the desires had gone.“ And they had taken all the emotions with them, but that had not mattered to James back then. „I was certain I had overcome them for good then, and I didn’t had to fight them for a couple of years. But lately…“

James stopped. This was the crucial point of his confession. The desires weren’t his biggest fear, and he had confessed them to other priests before and had been given absolution for them after atonement.  
It was the latest temptation which had cost him sleepless nights, which had caused him to go to confession again and which he was so deeply ashamed of that he couldn’t help blushing in the half darkness of the small cabin.

The clergyman’s soft voice now floated through the hot, musty air; a voice that made James suddenly feel warm, protected. Confident. „You know that nothing you tell me will ever leave my mouth, don’t you? You can’t do nothing wrong. Confessing to me is not different to confessing to yourself.“

Confessing to himself… had he ever confessed it to himself? He had thought and thought about it, of course, but did this mean that he had also admitted it to himself? Just do it now, Hathaway. You can’t fall any deeper, can you?

„There is this man… well, you know it’s a man. He’s my—we are working together.“ Hesitance.  
„His name is Robbie.“  
The priest marvelled at the softness with which the last word was spoken. It was caress, worship…tenderness; and hearing it from a man who had beaten himself for feeling such tender emotions was almost heartbreaking.

James felt nauseous now, but he raised his voice to firmness and said: „I am in love with him. He is the kindest, most honest and most sensitive person I have ever met. God has given him love and taken it from him, but he is still not angry or bitter, and God has given him charm and wisdom and he is still not vain.  
„I love him.“  
The last three words almost came out as a sob, and the confessor was sure that the young man was hiding his face in his hands now. His own hands were trembling; he knew that this had been one of the most genuine declarations of love he had ever heard. The words were simple but spoken with such overwhelming emotion that they could be nothing but true. He was a man of God, he had promised to dedicate his own soul to HIM and to his parish; however he could still see that this was beautiful.

Which made what he heard next only more cruel.

The other man raised his head from his hands and his voice was not love anymore, not tenderness. It was cold like a knife. „And this makes it so wrong, Father, so…flawed.“

_You’re not flawed, boy, no._  
_The world is._

But James spoke on, relieved to have found an outlet for all his self loathing at last.  
„When it was only physical attraction, I knew at least that it was no damage to my soul, that it was only a phase of trial that would pass. This, however— this has infected my soul, it is endangering my purity, Father! I can’t stop thinking about it, even when I am at work or…“ James was whispering now, as if he suspected the cold stonewalls to be eavesdropping: „or at Mass.  
„That’s why I couldn’t come to Confession, because I wasn’t clean. I am not clean. Please, help me Father, I need this to stop.“

At first James thought the priest had gone, because he didn’t hear anything from behind the trellis for several minutes. But then the soft voice said: „Please, son, tell me more about Robbie.“

Now James’s body was stock-still again, as he sat there gaping at the darkness that surrounded him. His mind, however, was in turmoil.

_Had the Father not heard what he had said? Had his ears been miraculously deafened for the last ten minutes? Why would he want to hear about Robbie? After he, James, had only just confessed that he had carnal desires for this man? Why was the priest not revolted by him, not so disgusted that he turned away immediately and left it to God to punish him?_  
_Or did he want to collect more information about Robbie, so that he could track him down?_

James had seen this happen once, just before he had joined the seminary. A young seminarist had gone to the bishop and confessed his relationship with one of the parishioners. The affair had already had ended at this time, but nevertheless the other man had to undergo several surgeries the night after they had found out his name.  
James had not taken part, but back then, he had thought that the sodomite didn’t deserve any better.  
And now… Deus, he shouldn’t have told the priest Robbie’s name. What if he found out who he was? There had only recently been an article about them in the newspaper, after a case involving several children.  
It wouldn’t need a detective to put one and one together and recognise them.

One the other hand— the other man didn’t sound hostile, or suspicious. Just warm and genuinely compassionate.

„Why do you want to hear about him, Father? He is not of importance, just an object of my craving. It’s not his fault, I don’t want him to take harm from it.“

The older man sounded curious now. „So he has never… encouraged you? Or shown that he reciprocates your feelings?“  
James assumed that it wasn’t dangerous to answer. „No, Father, of course not. I am naturally very cautious around him, he doesn’t know about any of it. Why should he? It is not as if I would ever act on it.“

„Why not?“ came the immediate response through the dim light. „If you told him how you feel, and if he said that he felt the same, why would you not act on it?“

James was silent, in disbelief. Was this even a proper priest? He could not be one, because no decent clergyman would ever advise a bent man to act on his unnatural longing, would he?  
He was shocked. He had prepared himself for a number of possible reactions before coming to the church; disgust, condemn, maybe indifference. He had certainly not expected this, this… acceptance. This encouragement.  
But…“Don’t you think it is wrong, Father? Don’t you think it is sin?“ James wasn’t able, didn’t want to believe that a man who dedicated his life to God could feel this way.

_Amare possit esse peccatum?*_

Could it not be? The Bible said that it was. His first confessor had said that it was. The priests in the seminary had said that it was. No one had ever told James that what he felt could not be wrong.  
Even Will’s death had not convinced him otherwise. On the contrary, beyond his grief it had dawned on him that even if Will’s love had not been wrong, it had driven him into doing something wrong.  
Taking your life is sin.  
Disowning God is sin.  
Desire is sin.  
James had told Robbie that he didn’t believe in the things he had learnt in seminary any more, that he regretted what he’d done to Will. But that was after Robbie had shouted at him, and James had had never seen him so angry, so angry that his heart had ached with the fear of losing him.  
So James had told him that he regretted, even though in truth he thought that it was Will’s own fault that he had died. After all, they had always had to fight the same demons, but he had been stronger than Will, and he had withstood.  
And when James had followed Zoe— _Phedorca_ — over to her house, and laid down on her bed, he had wanted to proof his old friend once more that he was stronger— that he would shag a girl only because of the fact that she was the contrary of what he really desired.

The contrary of the strong arms that had carried him out of the flames. The contrary of short brown hair, the contrary of a rough face and a musky scent.

No. No, no, no…  
Mea culpa, domine, mea culpa… **Libera me.**

**Author's Note:**

> * Can love be a sin?
> 
> This quote is taken from a song from an old German film. Throughout the 20th century it has been an unofficial hymn for homosexuals persecuted by the law and is now a common saying in Germany.
> 
> Can love be a sin?  
> May no-one know,  
> when one kisses,  
> when one forgets everything,  
> out of happiness?
> 
> Can it really be a sin,  
> when one only thinks of one person,  
> when one gives him everything,  
> out of happiness?
> 
> I will never regret  
> what I did,  
> and what happened through love,  
> and you must forgive me,  
> that's why love exists!
> 
> Love cannot be a sin,  
> but even if it were,  
> I'd rather be a sinner  
> than live without love!


End file.
